SEX

Now that I have your attention, theres a little something I need to talk to you guys about. Thats right, all of those touchy feeling things. Ya know what I'm talking about. Now, if I had to describe sex in one word, it would be that sex is power. If I had another word, I would say that sex is a gift from God. But before I get into the good stuff, I need to warn you that this thread will get steamier coed clambake, and there's something that I need to do. You see, I am a role model (To a great many of you as well). Alot of young folk look up to me. And I do not want them to get in trouble with sex. So, if your a young person who's not yet married, before reading on you must read and fill out the following pledge.

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I, the undersigned, pledge to remain sexually abstinent until married to a person of legal age. I swear that any knowledge I gain about human sexuality will only be applied in the private context of nuptial bed, nuptial kitchen, nuptial bathroom floor or incorporated anecdotes to provoke awe in my peers. Should I one day successfully employ any of the tips, tricks, or techniques provided herein in conjunction with my spouse, I pledge after a reasonable period of time to credit Dargor. So help me god.


Signature of pledge taker.

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Signature of pledge takers parents and or, guardian

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Alright, lets get freaky.




Now, before I stimulate you further, I need to get one message acrossed. Why do we have sex? (Alt. name of chapter.) I'm on the record of preaching abstinence. I talk about it all the time, especially when I am handing out fliers on the street and writing it in sky-writing. But, belive it or not, there is one unaminous reason why we wish to be with one another: When we want children. The body parts to which we are attracted too are directly realted to child production and nurturing. For men, it's the breast that provides our offspring nutrition, the legs to which they cling,the lips that kisses them goodnight, and the small of the back that teaches them folly of tattos.


For women, its the balls. Nothing ladies love more than a big sack. And I mean something that a cartoon bandit would carry out of a bank.


Whew, racy stuff. But I warned you, this is pure, 100% concentrated Dargor here. I'm swift, precise, and apologize for nothing.


(KEEP IN MIND: Sex is a death penalty. One outcome. So many ways to carry it out.)

Now, it is always a good thing that we are always seeking eachother out, and I for one am a firm beliver in the "Soul mate." But, one day, a great and powerful revelation struck me. My soul mate is one person. Theres a s**t load of people out there in the world. So, will you meet the person of your dreams tommrow? Probably not. So, just think of dating as a love scrimmage to prepare you for the marrige play off's. Nobody is keeping score. (But for the record, I'm winning) Now, I can comfortably say that there are MANY, MANY reasons why we look for that special someone, but how will you find them? And when you do, how should you act? Back in the day, our parents did all the hard work, hooking us up with a pretty sweet deal that would solidify the two empires, but nowadays, its SO much harder. Well my friends, thats where I come in. I alone have the bravado and expericance to help YOU with such trying manners. I will next soon teach you the difference between a Pimelton, and a real man.

when will this finish lol

When will you start it?

When he finishes it. Sheesh...

Dargor wrote:Chapter one will be up by tommrow.

How many chapters will there be? 666?

I would suggest that after this is complete you write up a more complete in-deph version and publish it. It'd be an instant bed (I MEANT BEST but oh well!) seller, just keep Sex on the chapter list.

CHAPTER TWO: The slow and steady conversion to Dorkiness


At some point and time, you're going to eventually want to introduce your bride-to-be to your dark and sinister seedy underbelly of super-dorkdom. There will be plenty of opportunities in your relationship to do this, but it must be a careful and delicate process or you will lose her faster than Luke Skywalker lost his hand to Darth Vader on Bespin's Cloud City. A good reference point is the graph below, which is set-up like the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's Terror Alert System to act as a constant reminder of the sheer terror you can inspire in her when you talk about Dungeons & Dragons or ten-sided dice in mixed company.







Converting your girlfriend to The Dork Side is a delicate process that must begin early on in the relationship. The real trick here is to pretend you're only interested in the Green "normal" stuff like network television and computer solitaire for the first couple of dates. After she gets to the point where she (hopefully) realizes she likes you, then you can start introducing the Blue "bizarre yet funny" items at a moderate clip. An episode of MXC here, a weird Flash animation of a Scottish lawn gnome getting insulted by an angry talking llama there... get her used to the idea that you have a crazy sense of humor - it will make you seem interesting and a little kooky, but the true dorkiness of your inner self will still remain shielded behind a thin force-field facade of supposed cool-dudeness. Once she is comfortable with the Blue, you can begin to introduce Yellow, which is the "mainstream dorky" stuff. This is where it gets difficult, because you have a good chance of scaring her away if you jump right in and try to show her your entire collection of Han Solo action figures all at once. You need to introduce the Yellow stuff one at a time, and sort of "ween" her onto the idea of it. Show her the movie. If she seems interested, show her a single item from your collection. If she pretends to still give a crap, slowly continue to introduce more and more dorky shit related to this. If at any time she seems frightened or creeped out by you, abort the process immediately and never speak of it again. Wait about a month and start in with a different Yellow thing that you are interested in.



You are under no circumstances[ to even begin to discuss anything Orange-grade with her until AFTER you have given her the engagement ring and she has agreed to marry you - the big shiny ring you paid five grand for will be the only thing keeping her from running in terror at the sheer mention of your tabletop wargaming fetish or your Level 20 Paladin's Mithril Sword +3 Icy Burst. You must also be even more careful when introducing your fiancée to Orange items than you were with the Yellow, for these monstrosities of geekdom are truly the sort of thing that can forever taint her perception of you. If she is comfortable with a couple of Yellow-grade things, then maybe you can attempt to woo her over to the Orange. Patience is the key here. That, and the mandate that you never mention your (or her) interest in anything Orange-grade when the two of you are out in public.


A notable exception to this would be like if you both are squarely in the Red-grade and met at like ComicCon '04 or a secret underground Anne Rice blood-drinking candle-burning techno-music fan club or something. If that's the case, I really can't help you. I'm sorry.

I want Chapter 3 already....

Writing this crazy shit takes time. Time that I take when I see I have a ungodly amount of actual free time where I can sit down and write stuff down. I knock it out in one sitting.